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Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
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2:55 pm - .just pull it.
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there's something building up inside me
waiting to explode
hurting my heart
and i cant let it go
and the words dont flow so eloquently anymore
my soul doesnt seem to want to speak anymore
and youre still standing there with that pleased fucking grin on your face.
and im angry for no reason, really
fighting your lies
proving absolutely fucking nothing
wishing to simply die
and its all in vain in the end, i suppose
no one gives a damn in the end, i suppose
so ill just remain here with this cold fucking gun to my head.
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give me your soul.
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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11:09 am - blind
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falling into memories
again and again
history repeats and repeats
and i wonder what im doing wrong
maybe one day
all will calm to a steady pace
and ill have time to catch my breath
and see what i miss now
but now is what counts
and now is what im losing
and now is all i have...
falling
back into the same memories
the same mistakes
the same cliche
the same mold
shouldve seen what was coming.
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give me your soul.
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11:09 am - insomnia
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and maybe im just selfish
and who am i to be calling anyone a child
but im tired of putting my heart on hold
waiting and waiting
and compromising fucking bills and meals
just to have you
and i suppose this is why
ive kind of given up in a way
maybe hoping
ill just close my eyes
open them back up
and everything will be ok
but nothing usually happens like that
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give me your soul.
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11:07 am - update
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ive changed this journal, making it friends only except for the poetry. my other journal, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ooinhumanoo, is where i keep my main posts, and is also now friends only. comment or email me if you want me to add you.
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give me your soul.
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| Monday, March 25th, 2002
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11:29 pm - some stuff
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an old one:
"mistake"
felt like ide known u all my life
when i never really knew u at all
and who are u to say what i feel and what i dont
when youre just a stranger
and dont ever touch me like that again
so softly
as though you know me
and dont ever fucking touch me like that again
when we have something u cant even understand
some newer ones:
"later"
just as thinking of you gives me butterlies
sometimes talking to you makes me want to shoot myself
and i dont know why
am i putting too much pressure on you...
expecting you to be everything for me?
if not now, wait until tomorrow
my love
wait until tomorrow
this disappointment i feel makes me feel guilty
and disappointment and guilt make a sorry team...
just tell me youre all you seem
just tell me youre all you seem
"PMS"
ive found myself losing myself again
pisses me off
when i wake up and find myself in someone else's skin
not sure how youd like me...
thrift shirts
big pants
naked...
myself
but i cant find that anymore
and i get pissed off when i realize i havent listened to portishead in a while
so i do
and here i am again
melancholy and happy...that will always be me
current mood:  calm
current music: kosheen- "pride"
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give me your soul.
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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4:05 am - so how have u been?
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caught in-between a moment of clarity and the darkness of reality
i'm stuck again
no different than yesterday or last year, but my surroundings are different
and my intentions are unknown to even myself
dont know what quite came over me, just got lost in my head again
and im sorry
im sorry
sorry you even had to be here to witness all of this
maybe someday i'll learn to just fucking close my mouth and drop the issue
but right now
this time
i have to let it run its course
and you just happen to be the one left standing here when everyone else ran away
and im sorry
im sorry
sorry you even had to be here to go through this shit
things and stuff and stuff and things
dont even seem in balance anymore
and i wonder why i even fucking get up anymore
and i shoot myself in the foot even as i ramble on
everything's meaningless nowadays
and im sorry.
current mood:  numb
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give me your soul.
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| Thursday, February 22nd, 2001
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10:28 am - spilled it
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I'm not crying
I'm not dying.....
It always happens this way.
there was something just a little different tho...
a little more subtle
that way you made me look at myself
when i tried to look at you
the way you hid
and still do
manipulate, scheme, and pounce.
I play that game too.
current mood: calm
current music: "Superman's Dead" -Our Lady Peace
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give me your soul.
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
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2:46 pm
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tell me im crazy.
tell me something so i can just feel
different
for a while
maybe a little special
maybe a little normal
just too tired to cry anymore
grey skies always do this to me.
current mood: numb
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give me your soul.
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| Monday, February 5th, 2001
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6:13 pm
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There's this chaos that surrounds me
But it has a pretty name
and pretty eyes
and pretty lies
that often send me down to shame.
And I love it cause it loves me
but it never holds true
empty themes
and selfish schemes
but nothing better here to do
current mood:  depressed
current music: "Caught A Light Sneeze" Tori Amos (in my head)
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2 souls - give me your soul.
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| Thursday, February 1st, 2001
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1:46 pm - coming back
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the smoke seems to drift a little smoother at night
when im out driving alone
and no one can hear my thoughts but me
that empty feeling fills me up
and satisfies my craving for something
anything
just to get my soul going again
sometimes i just need that dance with the dark
a little reminder of how lonely alone can be
current mood:  indescribable
current music: silence
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give me your soul.
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| Friday, January 5th, 2001
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4:20 pm
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Just feel like sharing...these are personal poems of mine. When there are days when Im lost for words, Ill just post these (if they relate to what I'm feeling on that day).
Re-read this one today....memories. ::sigh::
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"2AM and 6 Cigarettes"
I kind of want to climb inside you.
Just for tonight, for a safe place to hide.
Because right now, I?m so lost in your eyes, as I fall deeper into my daze.
And with you I feel okay.
Leaving it all.
Losing myself.
Because myself is all I have to lose now.
And as I smoke my cigarette, and burn away what's left of me, I want to be in another place completely.
Just to feel.
It?s all I need.
Just say you're empty like me.
current mood: mellow
current music: "The Warmth" by Incubus
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5 souls - give me your soul.
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| Friday, July 28th, 2000
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12:48 pm
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Yesterday almost killed me.
First off, I got up at 7am. Went to band practice until noon. There, I had to carry a damn bass drum around, in turn leaving bruises on my hips, and making my back sore today. We marched around in the hot ass Texas sun (Im prolly like, 4 times darker now) meanwhile getting dehydrated and breaking out with heat rashes. It sucked. I was already frustrated by noon.
Then, I came home, sat for half an hour, and then had to go straight to work at 1pm, not getting off until 9pm.
Needless to say, it was a long tiring damn day.
However, theres more to it. I dont have a car. Therefore, I have to bum rides off friends. That gets very difficult when you have to find rides to school, from school home, back to school for band practice, and then from practice to work.
As this went through my head over and over yesterday at work, making me want to cry (I get very worked up and frustrated), I realized that my baby was right. He told me that I should quit band. Its not worth the stress.
So, this morning I got up and went to the school, and told my director, and my marching captain that I quit.
Just like that.
And although Im sad, I feel liberated. Im doing what I think is best. Without someone telling me I cant or can.
I almost like it :)
In other stuff, I had an interesting work day yesterday. Theres this HUGE, yet strangely nice woman I work with. We'll call her....oh...Jeanie.
She's disgustingly sweet (and HUGE) and she gets on my DAMN nerves.
I went in to use the restroom, and I practically fell asleep in the stall. Suddenly, I was awakened by the bathroom door opening, and heavy footsteps. (heh) Then...I heard Jeanie's voice. And she was talking to someone. Shes was talking about how she hated working here (but she's so 'sweet'), and how gross people are ("poopin all over the place.."), and how she "wishes she had a penis". (Im guessing and hoping she said it meaning then she wouldnt have to sit on the seat.) Either way she's still a freakin weirdo. Because I soon came to realize that there was no one else in the bathroom besides us. She was talking to herself! Just like there was another person there.
I am totally avoiding her now.
Anyway, thats all so far. Maybe more tonight.
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give me your soul.
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